


Choosing to Love You

by kate7h



Category: Vinland Saga (Manga)
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Late Night Conversations, Wedding, while journeying to Miklagard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-13
Updated: 2020-02-13
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:28:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22696366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kate7h/pseuds/kate7h
Summary: Thorfinn and Gudrid get married on the way to Miklagard, spending that night on the shore.
Relationships: Gudrid/Thorfinn (Vinland Saga)
Comments: 14
Kudos: 44





	Choosing to Love You

**Author's Note:**

> Forewarning: For anyone triggered by sexual assault, in this story they have a conversation about the rapes Thorfinn has witnessed. I will never go into anything graphic detailing or whatnot, but it is mentioned.

Instead of waiting until they returned to Iceland, Thorfinn married Gudrid on their way to Greece, namely in the green and lush countryside of Lithuania. Leif didn’t seem terribly thrilled to give his permission, considering their circumstances with travel, and with Halfdan back in Iceland, but Thorfinn assured him they could deal with those things later. 

Leif had looked at him, the laughter lines around his eyes deepening as he smiled. “You really wanna marry her, boy?”

Thorfinn smiled with him, glancing across the boat at the woman in question. She was holding Karli in her arms, spinning him around as she talked with Hild. Her face was bright and open, animated in her usual fashion. Beautiful and energetic and compassionate. 

“Yes,” he replied, the thoughts of all those things he’d been deliberating about regarding her and her feelings ended up being fuel on the fire, leading to this decision. “I do.”

Leif nodded, then his smile turned wobbly as he shook his head. “Never would’ve guessed my two most troublesome stowaways…”

Thorfinn laughed lightly as Leif patted his shoulder. 

“I don’t say it much,” Leif said. “But I’m glad to see you making happy choices for yourself. After so long…”

Thorfinn nodded, understanding what he meant. Understanding Leif was the only person in his life now who’d even seen him as he had been, having run into him in York… he could see the difference in his change better than most. (He excluded Hild in this as she didn’t want to see his change, which he completely understood).

Leif shook his head, eyes sparkling. “Thors would be proud of you.”

He bit his lip, feeling the emotions welling up within him as well. “T- thanks, Mister Leif.”

“I hope you don’t mind a Christian wedding, Thorfinn,” Leif said with a laugh. “That’s the way I know.”

Thorfinn shook his head. “I don’t mind. I’m sure Gudri would be happy with it.”

Leif nodded, pulling Thorfinn in to hug him, which Thorfinn happily returned. 

Einar had hugged him too when he’d told him. He’d hugged him tight as if they hadn’t seen each other for some time. Thorfinn readily returned the embrace, smiling as the larger man all but swallowed him up. 

“I never would’ve guessed,” Einar spoke. “When we met, I wouldn’t have seen this coming at all. But I’m glad. I’m happy for you, brother.”

Thorfinn laughed lightly as Einar pulled away, a warm smile on his face. “It took me by surprise as well, to be sure,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck. “It wasn’t something I really considered for myself at all until my sister said something about it. And of course, when Gudrid did as well.”

Einar snickered. "You should've seen your face when she said it."

He felt his ears warm as he scratched at his neck. "Yeah, I know. It was abrupt though, wasn't it?"

"Well yeah, in that moment," Einar shrugged, folding his arms. "But it wasn't hard to see how much she liked you before that."

"R- really?!"

"Don't worry, you're not that dense," Einar chuckled, patting his shoulder. "Truth is, I only put two and two together after you and Hild set off on your own."

Well now, he was curious. Of course, he already knew she loved him. That fact still set his heart racing, even after these months they'd accepted that and grown closer. But the desire to know what she said back then was stuck in his head. "H- how'd you know?"

Einar smiled, scoffing. "As we were sailing away from that cape, she just got really angry at you for going off on your own whenever danger comes up."

He blinked. "She was angry at me?"

"Yeah, doing that whole pumping her arms around and fuming thing she does when she's really frustrated, ya know?" Einar replied, pumping his own arms a bit to demonstrate. 

_ Yes, I know that well…  _

"Well, I asked her why she wanted to help you so much, and she just turned red and kicked me, saying I didn't know what I was talking about," he said, laughing at the story. "It wasn't hard to put together after that."

Thorfinn smiled, laughing a bit at his story. "I- I'm sorry she kicked you. I kinda feel like that was my fault."

Einar scoffed again. "It's fine, I don't care that much.

After a moment of laughter, Einar clapped him on the back, smiling again. 

“It’s good to see you so happy, brother,” he’d said softly as he embraced him again. 

Thorfinn hugged him for a long time, joy passing between them, as well as mourning for Arnheid, who surely would’ve loved to have been there. 

He was sure many of their families would’ve liked to be there, but it just wasn’t possible. They were clear across the world. Sure, they could wait, that had been an option they’d discussed, but once they decided that they wanted to be married, waiting the time to get back to the other side of the world seemed unbearable- to both of them. But they had their crew, they had each other, and they had Karli. That was enough for now. 

It wasn’t anything much different than their normal routine. There wasn’t a port nearby, but they stopped on a shore with flowering trees and green grass. They didn’t have anything that would serve for traditions, which they were fine with. However Hild surprised him. Of course showing no care for him, but she’d made a circlet for Gudrid out of twine and a pliable branch, binding blossoms to it as if they were fletchings on an arrow. Gudrid hugged her, smiling so happily. Even Hild smiled, and he was glad for it. Gudrid placed it on her head, then tucked a loose flower behind his ear. He’d just smiled, happy as the sun set warmly over them. 

Thorfinn readily laughed lightly as he held her hands in his. He gladly pledged his life to her, vowing honor and love and everything in between. She looked so happy as she did the same, gripping his hands tighter as she couldn’t seem to stop herself from giggling. Compared to what he’d seen on her face during her wedding with Sigurd, he was grateful to inspire such joy. 

Leif married them in the name of Jesus Christ, and Thorfinn happily leaned in, pressing a tender kiss to her lips. Gudrid smiled against him, wrapping her arms around his neck. 

The applause from their friends was small, but the shouts and excitement were definitely enough. He pulled away, laughing as Bug Eyes pulled on a branch of the tree, making the petals fall on them. Karli toddled over to them, grasping his leg to be picked up. He smiled, lifting the babe into his arms, letting him babble and pull at his hair. After that, they simply made dinner the way they did every night. The only difference was one of their tents was set up a ways off down the beach for the newly weds- giving them more privacy than any of them have had on this entire voyage.

They stayed by the fire, rocking Karli to sleep while Gudrid sang him a lullaby. They laid him to sleep by the dog and Einar before going off alone. 

Thorfinn took her hand as they walked, holding a torch in the other. Gudrid said she was nervous, but happy too- happier for this wedding than her past two. He felt the same, aside from any past marriages. 

When they entered the tent, Gudrid wrapped her arms around his neck, falling into him until his back landed softly on the blankets. He barely had a chance to react before her lips were pressed to his neck, littering kisses all over him. He let out a laugh, feeling his heart beat faster as she murmured how much she loved him into his skin. 

He hummed, letting his eyes shut as she kissed up his neck to his cheek, hugging him close as she laid on top of him. He held her securely, hands pressed to her waist. 

“Gudrid,” he said softly, even as she peppered his face now. “Gudri…?”

“Hmm?” She replied, still kissing him everywhere she could. He couldn’t say he was dissatisfied, but he did want to talk with her first. 

Which he very nearly forgot entirely as her lips covered his own. He smiled into her, letting her pull him close. She sighed, as if this was calming her, rather than the excited affection from seconds before. He reached up, one hand still grasping her waist, the other threading his fingers through her hair. It was quiet as they kissed, a soft and comfortable air surrounding them. 

Eventually, Gudrid did release him, letting out a soft laugh as she rested her face against his chest. He breathed her in, letting his fingers gently wander through her hair. 

“What’re you thinking?” She asked, sounding a little breathless. He felt the same, to be honest. 

“That you’re remarkable,” he replied. “That I’m glad you’re my wife.”

“Your wife,” she hummed. “I’m your wife.”

He chuckled. “Yes.”

She lifted her head, propping herself up against her folded arms to smile at him. “And you’re my husband.”

He smiled wider, then nodded. 

She sighed as she closed her eyes contentedly. “This is my first time feeling happy to have a husband.”

“I’m glad,” he replied, leaning his head back as he shut his own eyes. 

After a few moments of this relaxing into each other, he gripped her tighter, rolling her over suddenly to the side. He cradled her in his arms as she blinked up at him. He just smiled and kissed her lips once more. 

“I love you,” he whispered, the words having grown more and more comfortable on his tongue the more he said them. “My wife.”

Gudrid laughed, pulling him in for another kiss. It felt like time seemed to fade as they spent this time together, gently holding and caressing each other, intermixed with tender kisses. He was sure this kind of joy should be barred from him, but it filled him up regardless. Gudrid was leading them towards something more, as she tended to take the lead in these regards anyways. He barely noticed as she slid his tunic over his head before catching his lips once more.

He smiled against her, pulling away as he grasped her face between his hands, effectively slowing her down. She just giggled, and he found that it was one of his favorite smiles on her. He leaned in, kissing her nose softly. 

“Why’re you so sweet?” She muttered, trying to lean in to kiss him again, but he held her firmly with a laugh. 

“Lemme kiss you!” She whined, and he laughed again. 

“Wait a minute,” he replied, letting a hand wander down the side of her neck. Gently, he tugged the fabric down over her shoulder. He leaned in to press a kiss to the skin of her neck, sliding his lips down to kiss her exposed shoulder as well. She hummed happily, and he smiled against her soft skin. 

For some reason, it didn’t truly dawn on him what they were doing until right then, as he pulled her sleeve down just a bit. He’d found himself very much in the moment, not thinking much past it other than the joyous pleasure in that instant. But it was their wedding night, and they really were working towards consummating that…

She grabbed at him again and pulled him down over her, embracing him tightly as she kissed his lips. As her hands ran over his bare back, he felt ice in his blood. 

In his mind, despite the fact that this was supposed to be a happy thing. They were just married and were both choosing this… despite that, his mind wandered back to his earliest exposures to this aspect of life. 

The men he’d traveled with as a boy really had been horrendous scoundrels... 

He’d gone out of his way to avoid them, avoid such acts and actions, but sometimes there wasn’t far he could go. Screams and cries still haunted his mind sometimes. Sure, those weren’t people he’d personally killed, and he’d never participated in such actions… but there were a fair few who pleaded for help, and he’d ignored them. 

It made him feel sick. 

His hands stilled against his wife, his body going rigid as those memories seemed to flood through his mind. Gudrid only had the sleeve of her tunic down off her shoulder, yet he felt such an abhorrence at himself for it. 

_ It’s supposed to be about love, isn’t it?  _ Then why did he just want to throw up now?

Gudrid slowed in her kissing, pulling away to give him a concerned look. “What’s wrong?”

Thorfinn just shook his head, sitting up away from her, feeling the cool air prick at his exposed skin. She sat up with him, leaning into him affectionately. “Are you okay?”

He swallowed dryly as he slowly turned to her. “Gudrid, I… I don’t know if I can do this…”

She blinked, concern on her face. “What do you mean?”

“I mean…” he began, covering his mouth with a hand. “My only knowledge of this kind of thing comes from... the raping Askeladd’s crew committed... everywhere we went…”

Gudrid started, and he was afraid to look at her face. He felt her stiffen now, her hands pulling away from holding his arm… It hurt, to say the least as it left a deep and aching feeling in his heart... but it was his own fault for waiting until now to even think about this. He deserved it. 

“You…” she said with apprehension. “You didn’t… rape anyone… did you?”

His stomach sank as he looked to the ground, hating himself for putting her in a place to have to ask him such a thing. “I did not. But I did nothing to stop any of the others, either.”

Gudrid moved away from him, and for an instant he thought she was going to leave. He wouldn’t blame her if she did… Instead, she moved around him, sitting right in front of him with a perturbed face.  _ Worry…  _ She leaned forward, grasping the forearm of the hand covering his mouth. She tugged him until she could wrap his hand up in both of hers, a quiet solemness in her eyes. 

“Thorfinn,” she said softly. “Talk to me.”

He looked down at their hands. At the scars littering his own, being covered by her small and soft, innocent hands. She was smooth to the touch… yet the evidence of much of his shame laid ingrained in his very skin. It was all the more apparent in the contrast between them. Biting his lip, he gripped her hand tighter, shutting his eyes away from her. 

“As a child until I grew into an adult, I only ever felt rage and hatred toward Askeladd, and anyone like him. But if I didn’t feel that… I felt nothing,” he started, keeping his eyes downcast as he opened them once more. 

“So I felt no desire whatsoever to… participate in that kind of…self-gratifying pleasure… I think I was disgusted, even then, letting it fall in the realm of reasons to hate them. But I… I never once gave a care to the women they victimized in that way…”

He felt Gudrid’s hand tighten around his, but she remained quiet, waiting for him to continue. However, he didn’t know what else to say. 

“I- I’m sorry…” he got out, either to Gudrid for burdening her with this, or out to those people whom he should’ve helped, but instead allowed to be tortured in such a cruel and horrid fashion. He bowed his head, using his free hand to cover his face once more. “I’m so sorry…”

Gudrid freed one of her hands, a moment later letting her fingertips smooth over his cheek. Gently, she wrapped her hand around the back of his neck and tugged him forward. He followed without a word, letting her pull him into a gentle embrace, his face settled against her neck. She stroked her hand through his hair, her comfort warming him even just slightly. 

_ I don’t deserve you, Gudrid… _

“You say that in that time… all you were able to feel was either rage and hatred or nothing, right?” She began quietly. He gave a short nod, but other than that, no reply. 

Gudrid continued to stroke her fingers through his hair. “I wouldn’t presume to know anything about it, but… to feel compassion for someone else would be hard in that state, I think.”

She stopped and waited a moment for him to speak. When he said nothing, she let out a breath and spoke again. 

“Maybe you just couldn’t feel like that back then, you’d made it impossible,” she breathed, hugging him a bit more. “Maybe because it would hurt to feel something else. It would hurt too much, right?”

He sighed, closing his eyes. “...yes.”

Gently, she pulled back from him, settling her hand on his shoulder as she looked at him. She swallowed visibly, nothing but concern and compassion on her face. 

“It is a terrible thing, that those things happened and you didn’t stop it… but you need to remember why, okay?” Her voice was fervent, almost pleading. “Of course the reasons can’t be a justification... but they’re solid reasons all the same. You’re allowed to be kind to yourself as you do everything you can to atone for all that.”

He looked up to her, watching her have that impassioned spark in her eye, an indignancy she got when she took it upon herself to fight for him. She clasped both her hands on his shoulders.

“What matters is that I know the you today would never do that. You care so much for others, there’s no way you would ever stand by again. So that’s what I think about… that’s the Thorfinn I married today.”

He sighed roughly, hating himself a little more for finding comfort in her words.  _ She has no idea…  _

“Gudrid, those women were… brutalized… and I did nothing as it happened. Not once did I ever try to stop it. Tell me,” he paused, looking at her solemnly. “How can I be expected to do something like that to you tonight?”

For a moment she gaped at him incredulously. “Y- you think it would be the same?!” Gudrid exclaimed. She lifted her hands, clasping them against his face.

“It’s not the same at all! It’s not the same because… because we love each other. And you’re not forcing yourself on me. You’d never hurt me like that! This right here, i-it’s not about seeking pleasure, it’s more than that, right? You know that, right?”

He blinked as tears began to fall from her eyes, her voice all but pleading with him. Begging him to understand it differently. He found he was mute to reply. 

“Those brutes… all they were thinking about was their own gratification. They didn’t care who those girls were. They only cared that it was a girl they could use. It’s not the same because you don’t think that way at all.”

She held him firm, making her words as poignant as she could. “You could never be the same as them, alright? You never have been, and you never will be.”

After her outburst, it was quiet. He found his eyes were wide as he stared at her in the dim light of the torch from outside. Her jaw was set and tears were on her cheeks as her hair was mussed and her tunic pulled off her shoulder. 

A few moments passed, and she dropped her hands from his face and looked down, biting her lip. 

“What’re you thinking now?” She repeated her playful question from before, now it was shrouded in a dark tone as she continued to cry. 

Thorfinn released a breath, gently reaching out and bringing her into him, holding her close. “Forgive me,” he murmured. “I’ve made an ass of myself.”

“No you didn’t,” she grumbled, cuddling close into his chest. “It’s not a bad thing to express concerns, alright? I’d rather you said this instead of keeping it inside.”

He pulled back enough to touch her face, pulling the hair from her eyes as he wiped her tears. His heart still ached with guilt, but her words reverberated in his soul. 

“I feel like I need to make a choice right now,” he said, speaking his thoughts aloud. “Decide to let all that go and proceed, or take our time as I try to work through that.”

Gudrid simply nodded. “I’ll go with whatever you decide, as long as it’s not a dumb decision based on being a jerk to yourself.”

Thorfinn found himself smiling sadly at that.  _ She really is something.  _

He smoothed a thumb across her cheek, gently caressing it under her eye. “I really don’t deserve you.”

She just about growled at him, rolling her eyes dramatically. “What’d I just say, huh?”

“Sorry,” he replied, leaning in to kiss her forehead. “But I don't know if thoughts like that are ever going to leave me.”

Her face remained soured as she pouted at him. She reached up, grasping the hand he had against her cheek. “Well, not if you keep sayin’ em…”

He smiled again, feeling again how fortunate he was to have her love. To share her love. He wanted to give her love, if not just for his own desires, but to somehow balance out how much he was the one who was getting the most out of this arrangement. 

_ I don’t deserve her… but I want to… _

With a sigh, he tried his best to push aside all those thoughts and memories and guilt, as there was nothing he could do with it right now. Ever so gently, he pressed a soft kiss to her lips, catching her off guard. She recovered quickly and engaged with him gladly. He brought his free hand up to her other cheek, cradling her face as he kissed her slowly, trying to emulate what he was feeling to her through the contact. 

She pulled away with thoughtful eyes. “Have you made your decision then?”

He swallowed, still holding her face between his hands. “Although I know there will be no brushing off such guilt easily, I also know that there is nothing to be done about that right now.”

Her face warmed underneath his touch. “So…?”

“So,” he murmured, sliding his hands down to the sides of her neck, stroking her cheeks with his thumbs. “...If you’ll have me…?”

Her eyes widened, face more red than before. Then she nodded emphatically, her hands reaching out to grasp his arms tightly. “Uh- yes! Yes, of course I will!”

Despite the twisting in his stomach, he smiled at her. With her words, he leaned in to kiss her once more, letting the night be what it will. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. Please leave a comment and let me know what you thought!


End file.
